I am often reminded of the story about Za-za Gabor. It was while she was lying by the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel. She kept staring at a handsome sun-bronzed gent on the other side of the pool. After a time his curiosity got the better of him. As he approached her he said, `Madam, you keep looking in my direction, have we perhaps met before?’
Za-za said, `Dahling you look very much like my eighth husband’.
`Really, madam! Have you been married eight times?’
`No, dahling, only seven.’
Too often when single people embark on a first date, their anticipation is too intense. They treat the experience more like a marriage proposal than a first meeting with a relative stranger.
One woman arrived to meet her partner for the evening with a carefully prepared questionnaire. As he related the story to me later, he admitted he ensured his answers would not meet her criteria.
Another woman asks each would-be suitor, as soon as he rings, for the actual time of and his birth date. Men, in particular those who have no time for astrological beliefs find her queries quite off-putting. One fellow I know gives the stock reply to the question, `What is your star sign?’, `Sorry it’s not listed’.
The intense young man, who is earnestly looking for a wife to bear his children, makes up his mind within the first few minutes whether his escort is a suitable bride.
Those who sail straight in with questions such as: What are you looking for in a partner? What type of relationship are you seeking? What are your long term goals? are actually asking people to tell them their innermost secrets before they are even close friends; let alone trusted.
The workaholic and the fellow, who is insecure without an attachment, almost propose on the first evening. They probably had an eighty per cent chance of winning this woman if they had remembered the Italian expression, piano piano – take it slowly. Nothing frightens a woman off more quickly than an over-eager beaver.
There is nothing more disconcerting as a prospective partner who is too intense; too hell-bent on a serious relationship. The mind is channelled into the their urgent needs, losing sight of the perspective; forgetting that it takes two to tango and the partner must be both agreeable and suitable.
We know when a client who has recently met a suitable partner telephones to enquire what type of relationship he or she is seeking, that they are jumping the gun. We can feel the `wedding bells syndrome’ setting in after the first date.
We advise the intense clients to treat each new introduction as the beginning of a friendship and the opportunity of increasing their circle of friends. But alas our advice usually falls on deaf ears.
One fellow who had several meetings with a delightful but intense, to the extreme, young woman described to me how he felt when he decided not to pursue relationship. He said, `She remembered everything I said verbatim, even things I had forgotten, tying me down explicitly. The crunch came when I bade her goodbye one afternoon and made a detour on my way home. The phone was ringing as I walked in the door. Her first words to me were, ~It couldn’t have taken you that long to drive home~. I felt smothered, as though I was living in a gold fish bowl’. Which reminds me of the old saying, `There is no fury like a woman searching for a new lover’.
We all know how wonderful and exciting an intense relationship can be, especially when both partners are enjoying the intensity, but, `Hot love is soon cold’, or `Hot love, hasty vengeance’. But when only one partner is feeling the heat, the fire will never burn.
Treat each first date as the opportunity to make a new friend. Foster that friendship despite whether you feel chemistry or not. Form the habit of making friends, so that when Mr or Mrs Right comes along, you have developed an easy manner with the opposite sex and there will be no possibility of blowing it with over-enthusiasm.
Everyone has preconceived ideas developed over time from previous experiences. Should your prospective partner be still suffering the effects, from a hot and cold relationship or an over-intense partner, your attitude could well drive him or her away.
Remember, `A little wind kindles, much puts out the fire’.
For more information see: www.singles.net.au
Rosalind Baker’s professional commitment to ‘match making’ is well into its second decade, although she has always possessed that innate ability to pair people off. She even introduced her ex-husband to his next wife!
Having established Entre Nous: Relationship Consultants & Educators in 1991 she has now lost count of the number of relationships the organisation has helped to establish.
While there have been many ‘fly-by-night’ introduction agencies over the past two decades in Melbourne, Entre Nous has stood the test of time. This is due, in no small part, to the professionalism and passion of Rosalind Baker.
She has written three best sellers. The first, ‘Dial A Woman’ offers advice to Australian men on how to choose the right partner and then maintain a successful relationship.
The obvious sequel, ‘Dial A Man’ advised women on how to recognise and attract the man of their dreams. While writing her third book, ‘Dial a Personality’, she realised she had discovered the successful formula for matching couples.
As a journalist Rosalind has written extensively on social affairs and women’s issues and is a well-known social commentator on courtship.
Rosalind has been the delegate representing Australian and New Zealand at the International Institute of Introduction Services.
She is a keen follower of the Arts and supports Opportunity International.
She had four children and with her new husband, Tom Baker, they now have 11 grandchildren between them.
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