In part one of this article, we outlined the five stages that a typical marriage goes through and focused primarily on the differences between the Steaming Hot and Cold stages. In part two we looked at two of the four steps that can be taken to get your marriage Steaming Hot. Now we will continue with the third step. The great thing about this step is that it is very practical. Within a day  or two you can implement these changes and see big improvements in your marriage. It requires that you consider each others needs and in many instances, be willing to put your spouse’s needs above your own. If both of you decide to adopt these principles on a daily basis, you will be pleasantly surprised. You will gradually see the fire coming back. Therefore, doing them for a day or two is not enough, these principles need to become apart of your lifestyle.

Step 3 – Be Willing to Compromise

One thing about men and women that will never change is their differences. No matter how long you have been married you will always have differences of opinion, likes and dislikes. A common mistake most couples make is thinking their spouse should know their thoughts and actions and that they should agree with them at all times. This type of mindset will put a wedge between you and your spouse.

Let us look at the differences between wives and husbands. Wives are usually more emotional (although we have met some unemotional women out there) and love to air their feelings. At the end of the day they may want to express everything that happened at work, home, with the children, at the grocery store and on and on. On the other hand, the husband may want to have a quiet night unwinding in front of the television, watching a sports channel, his favorite show or read a magazine. This is his way of relieving his stress. To him, listening to his wife talk about her stressful day brings him more stress.

However, there has to be a balance. The husband ought to be understanding and willing to listen to his wife. It can be very frustrating to a woman when she feels she is not being heard, that her husband is cold towards her. Do not be like the husband that said, “My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.” Therefore, husbands, you cannot ignore your wife all day and then at the end of the day you want her to be affectionate, loving and in the mood for physical intimacy. It does not work that way. For women, intimacy and romance start the second the husband enters through the door. To get your marriage steaming hot, husbands, you need to be willing to listen to her. You cannot allow your marriage to become a routine in which your wife feels excluded. You need to always remember that marriage is not just about receiving but also giving and if you are unwilling to give in one area, she may also be unwilling to give in another (use your imagination).

However, the wife needs to be understanding and cut off within reason. The things that bother and stress you on a daily basis are not the same for your husband. Also when you lay out your entire day on the table to your husband, now he has to de-stress from his hectic day and your hectic day. That can be very stressful and rather unfair to him. The wife needs to bear with her husband if unwinding in front of the television de-stresses him, and the husband has to also be willing to cut off at a reasonable time in order to spend quality time with his family. One of the things that quench the fire in a marriage is a nagging wife. It is a complaint we hear too often by husbands. The home is no longer his palace or sanctuary, it is depressing and cold. He prefers hanging with the boys. Wives, it is your responsibility to make your husband feel welcomed, comfortable and relaxed.

We have found that it is not the big things in a marriage that cause it to become cold, it is the small things that happen every day over a period of time. Pay attention to the small things and you will see the big difference they make.  A steaming hot marriage is not just about the physical relationship but also about getting along, compromising and peace in the home. No matter how cold your marriage has become, the transition from cold to steaming hot is an action away. You may feel a lot of resentment because of the past, but today is the day to turn the page. Decide that you will no longer be roommates but romantic mates. The practical applications below will take you a step closer to having a steaming hot marriage.

Practical Application

Husband - Starting tomorrow evening, when your husband comes home, give him some space. Allow him to clear his mind before bombarding him with your stressful day. After he has had some time to relax, instead of telling him everything that stressed you out choose two of them, then say, “I won’t stress you out with everything that happened to me today, I just want us to have a quiet and relaxing evening.” After this, give him a kiss and spend some time doing something you both enjoy. Do this, and you will be amazed at how responsive he will eventually become. For some wives he will no longer see you as a nagger, but considerate and understanding. This practice needs to become apart of your daily routine.

Wife - Starting tomorrow evening, instead of spending all your de-stressing time around the television or in front of the newspaper (while your wife feels neglected and left out) try to incorporate her. Be willing to listen to her. You do not need to give her any advice or input. She does not want a problem solver; she just wants a listening ear. Ensure that you are attentive and concerned. You can start by asking, “honey, how were the kids today?” This will gauge the conversation allowing her to talk about one issue. Then say, “I think you are doing a great job raising our children.” If you do not have children, find another question to ask that she wants to talk about and make an encouraging statement at the end. This practice needs to become apart of your daily routine. You will be amazed at the amount of fire that will come back into your marriage. It may seem simple but it works. Based on the Marriage Thermometer principles.

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